Nicholas Snow's Notes From The World: "Dian Purnomo—Brave, Bold & Beautiful"

Nicholas Snow's Notes From The World: "Dian Purnomo—Brave, Bold & Beautiful"

Dian Purnomo is brave, bold and beautiful, and willingly allowing me to use her real name and photos in conjunction with this column—a courageous “next step.” “What’s the big deal?” you may ask. She’s a bisexual single parent living in Indonesia, she is Muslim, and the only two people in her family that know her true story are her ex-husband and her older brother. Have I got your attention?

Is Dian concerned about repercussions from being so open with me, I wondered. “Yes I’m a bit worried, but I don’t think that my family will read about me here in your column, so, let’s just continue the interview,” she responded. She has published some aspects of her story, but under a pseudonym.

Dian, now 33, was born in 1976 in Salatiga, a small town in Central Java, Indonesia. The 2nd of four children, she has one older brother and a younger brother and sister. She now resides in Yogayakarta among a population of millions.

In many parts of the world, including Indonesia, people don’t choose their religions. “We were born with a religion,” Dian explained. “Only few people let their children choose or change their religion. I think this isn’t fair enough because religion is something we have to believe with our faith. We should choose it consciously. People shouldn’t be indoctrinated for something they don’t believe in.”

Diane explained, “I’m a Universalist Muslim or maybe better called a freelance monotheist. I do the five times pray (sholat). I go to church and vihara sometimes. I believe that God is everywhere. I do noble silence called vipassana in Vihara once a year.” And surprisingly, she added, “I ignite Christmas tree every December.”

About her sexual awakenings, Dian revealed, “I fell in love with a girl when I was in high school but I couldn’t explain and explore the way I feel because it’s so not common for me. I let the feeling go. It happened again on my early college period. But again, I let the feeling go.
Then I fell in love again with a woman and dared to have a same gender relationship at 29 years old. I was still in a marriage at that time.”

“I got married at 23,” she continued. “I was five months pregnant at that time. It wasn’t arranged of course. I didn’t plan to get married, but there’s no way to pursue my plan. Family and my boyfriend didn’t let me go. I gave birth to my first baby at the age of 23. She passed away six months later. Then I got a bit depressed. I decided to have one more baby. She’s eight years old now.”

Dian’s ex-husband caught her with another woman who couldn’t believe she had not only been unfaithful to him, but with a woman at that. Regardless, their relationship had already become “untenable” explained Dian. “We divorced not because of my preference. He didn’t perform. That’s the exact word, I think. He’s a little bit too slow for me. I run too fast for him. So, we’re just not mean to be together. Our marriage was a mistake, but I have no regret. That’s the path that I have to cross in.”

Dian believes there are gay people in her extended family but they don’t talk about it. Dian describes herself as bisexual has “been dating women lately.” She elaborated, “Being bisexual for me means the same with being straight, gay or celibacy. I rate a person not by his/her gender or sexual preference. I valued them by what they did for their self and others. So, that’s how I wanted to be valued in life as well. I do good thing, try to avoid hurting or bothering other people. I just wanted to be a blessing for the universe, no matter what sexual preference I chose.”

In Dian’s community there are many people who have come out publicly. “Some of them are well accepted, but some are still alienated,” explained Dian. “Most Javanese don’t talk face to face, but they talk about the chosen behind my friends’ back. They keep distance to those coming out people. But I see some friends are well supported by their family. I really wish one day I had the guts to tell my parents and the rest of the family. They’re so conventional. I’m afraid to hurt them anyway.”

I continued, “What is it like to be a woman in your country? What obstacles do you face? What triumphs has the women’s community experienced?”

“Being a woman in a very patriarchal country like Indonesia is not very nice,” she replied, “but it’s challenging…many friends are being counted as half person. Their parents put the sons on the first place, and then they put the daughters after. I used to date a Batak girl who has three brothers. When their parents bought a palm plantation they put those boys’ names on the certificate, but let my ex work for the plantation…it’s so unfair.”

She went on to explain that this sort of patriarchy causes some men to be slow and lazy because it is assumed “they’re born to be a winner, no matter what they did. There’s a common phrase in our country, ‘lanang, menang’—man always wins. That’s way most of them look at women as lower...”

“I was lucky born in my family,” said Dian. “My dad is so not patriarchal. He has two sons and two daughters, and he treats us equally. My dad treats my mom with respect. In my extended family, most of the women took the dominant part. My triumph is when I got my parent-in-law being fair to me, to admit guilt on their son’s behavior. Most of women who experienced like me are always being blamed for their fail of the marriage.”

About her community, Dian explained, “I care about children, poverty and global warming issue,” she explained. “I actually care about most of humanity issues.” She does P.R. for a slow food company, founded Gempita (for young people who love Indonesia), was the originator of a stand up action last year, and will participate in an Earth Day dance in April. She has worked her way up within the ranks of the radio business and is now the operational manager a local radio station.

Dian describes some of the obstacles facing her community around LGBTQ and HIV/AIDS issues as “morality, eastern culture, religion and reputation.” In her blog at www.DianPurnomo.com, she explained, “I wrote about a man who’s been put in the stocks in a cow house because he’s accused being HIV positive.” He hadn’t even taken a test, but his family was paranoid.

As to what inspires and motivates her to be of service, Dian shared, “I was brought to the world alone, I will die alone. What makes me worth on my living period is the people surround me. I was born very lucky. Having a perfect family, they’re not rich but they gave me enough love and proper education.” About her daughter, she added, “I have a very beautiful healthy smart little angel” and as for her writing and work in the media, she explained, “I’m given such a talent that does not belong to many people so I think God chose me to do something for those unlucky people—marginalized community, fragile people like children, and all that.”

In fact, she explained, “I want to establish a foundation that gives free education or school for street children and those who live under the line of poverty. I want to quit working as employee for so-called-profit-company. I want to build my own company, having my own worker, give them scholarship for their children,” and she wants more time to write books.

She admires two role models not likely to make the same list often—Mother Theresa and Madonna, the former “for her never ending sacrifice for those who need. She never did something for herself I believe. She’s a real blessing for the universe.” She admires Madonna because she is “entertaining, smart, loving and caring about children” and “singing and dancing” all at the same time. “She’s the real American dream.”

Dian gets courage and hope from both her daughter and her mother. “My mom is picture of patience, faith and her hands represent the existence of God. I want to make her the happiest mother on earth. I want her to be thankful for bringing me to the world. My daughter gave me more courage and hope. I want to leave her something she’ll be proud of. I want to leave her a healthy environment, more democratic people surround her. I want her to be a big grown up—healthy, happy and proud…”

Dian advises, “Just be yourself. God made all people unique. Don’t be an imitation of others—otherwise you’ll never be satisfied with what you already have. Be thankful. Be blessed.”




Nicholas Snow's Notes From The World

Nicholas Snow

This column presents stories of courage, strength and hope of individuals worldwide who are passionately involved in the struggle for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered civil rights as well as the battle against HIV/AIDS, demonstrating how these issues are inseparable from the overall fight for human rights for everyone. In addition, the column infuses travel and entertainment reporting into the mix to not only celebrate the freedoms that exist for many of us, but to contrast these freedoms against the dark realities of individuals living in more oppressed situations where sometimes their very lives are at risk. More columns...


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